Hoping and Believing (Week of 11/1/2010)

Two weeks to go - twelve days to be exact. I can't believe it's coming up so quickly.

Jim and I moved into our new apartment this past weekend. At the last minute we changed our minds about where we were going to live, and are still hoping that the landlord will be gracious enough not to hold us to the lease. We decided to stay in the same building, but consolidate into a two-bedroom apartment. Which strangely seems to have much LESS space than the one-bedroom apartment I've been occupying for the last 15 months.

When it comes to hope, I am an eternal optimist. I always believe that things will work out well. I think my attitude drives my mom a little nuts because she seems to always try to bring me back down to reality. For me, being hopeful of good things, and believing that God is completely sovereign, brings such Peace and Joy. I can fully trust that all things work out for the good of those who love God.

In marriage, I think this is a good quality. I tend to believe the best in people, and assume that they will treat me as I would treat them. I hope this carries over into my relationship with Jim. I want to be able to trust him to always make the right decisions for us - and not just to follow blindly, but to give appropriate consideration to his opinion and decisions. I had a good lesson this month, with regard to the apartment situation. When we first saw the place we had decided to live, Jim was quite skeptical. I insisted on signing the lease because I felt that since we had given a verbal commitment, we had to uphold it. It would have been much wiser for us to go back on our verbal agreement, than trying to get out of a lease now. I realize that my desire to uphold the agreement was more out of fear of letting the landlord down, than it was out of respect for them or the property. While I'm very diplomatic, Jim is more straightforward - and sometimes that's a better strategy.

Back to the point though - even in spite of my mess up with the lease, I can trust that God will make good out of this.

Twenty-Two Days to Go

I'm beginning to reach the point of experiencing real stress in wedding planning. There have been speed bumps, but no real road blocks. I think I'm hitting head-on, what I was talking about earlier this week in terms of how family celebrations are more frustrating than joyous. There are so many expectations to meet, and so many feelings to consider. I know that I cannot make everyone happy. I know that it will not be a "perfect" day. I do want it to be a nice day, a fun day, a joyous day for everyone involved. Maybe that's too high of an expectation in a world full of cynics. What I have to realize is that the only person who's joyous attitude I can control is my own. So I must continue to keep in mind that no matter what happens, Jim and I will be married at the end of the day, and rejoice in that.

The United States of "I don't have to take this" (Week of 10/28/10)

We live in a strange culture where we are supposed to be tolerant of everything except discomfort or suffering. The problem is that none of us can live in utter peace with each other. Conflict is a necessary and unavoidable part of life. So where does this attitude that assumes we don't have to put up with each other's differing opinions or behaviors come from? We are so focused on ourselves, on protecting our individual rights and privileges that we are blind to other people's same rights and needs.

In marriage, refusing to put up with the other's differences is not an option. The commitment of marriage is to be faithful in all circumstances - in sickness and in health, for better or worse. This includes when the other person fails to fulfill their end of the deal. But aren't there some circumstances when a wife should no longer stand for her husband's behavior? I don't expect that Jim will ever treat me badly or intentionally do hurtful things. But what about all those unintentional and careless acts I know he, as a man, is bound to commit? I think that marriage is the ultimate experiment in learning how not to be selfish; putting the other's needs above my own.

So my prayer this week is that God will give me the grace to bear the things I must and the wisdom to know when I should stand up against an offense. I think this is a matter of "picking your battles." There are some petty arguments I would probably really like to engage, but should let go for the sake of being loving, kind and patient. Then there will be some arguments that I must make for the sake of making good decisions for a better outcome.

In regards to rejoicing or finding joy in all things, I am really learning to trust that God uses ALL THINGS for good. There are going to be so many obstacles in our first year of marriage. Even as Jim begins moving into our new apartment this week, I already know that living together is going to present an array of challenges. In each of these challenges I pray that God will give us the grace to love each other as we have been praying each week leading up to our wedding.

Too Much Joy to Handle (Week of 10/18/2010)

Christmas is one of the most difficult times for American families. "Nothing ruins your day like nuclear family," is a phrase commonly heard around holidays. I am blessed to have a wonderful family that I love spending time with. I know this is an anomaly in the US today. The holidays aren't necessarily easy for us either though. Christmas is stressful. We all get together, under the same roof, after having overspent on the fad gift of the year, eat too much, drink too much, and inevitably bring up old grudges.By the time we've polished off the turkey, we are worn out. But I don't really blame the over-commercialization of the Christmas season for the stress. I think that we don't really know how to rejoice.

With a wedding around the corner, I know a little about trying to plan a "celebration." There's no focus on the celebratory aspects of the event, it's about making sure no distant family member's feelings get hurt, and making sure the food is "perfect," and the dress is just right, and the flowers are all in the right place, and the cake is magnificent, and the bride gets to be treated like an self-indulgent princess for a day. All this building up to the big day puts the actual marriage celebration on the back burner. In third world countries, weddings last for 10 days. A 10-day wedding sounds like torture to me. Is it possible that we have become such cynical people that so much celebrating is more than we can handle?

How do we become joyful people? The verse this week specifically refers to "rejoicing in the truth." Maybe part of the stress over holidays and weddings is that we've lost sight of the truth? It seems to me that if we genuinely recognize the Truth in things, we would want to celebrate them. For example Christmas - we are celebrating the arrival of the Messiah, the salvation from sin, the grace of God on earth. In light of the depth of sin, that is certainly worth celebrating and remembering every year. Weddings signify the future joining of God with His people. We've been learning, in an Old Testament class, that the relationship between God and his Church demonstrate the relationship between husband and wife. Not only are weddings a ceremony of joy because they join two people in love, but they represent the perfect union between God and his people that will take place with the second coming of Christ. That's also certainly worth celebrating our butts off over. 

So how do we gain this ability to rejoice? How do we become joyful people? Can we replace our cynicism and bitterness with genuine, brilliant joy? And not just child-like wonder, or trite "taking joy in the small things," but taking joy in the big things in life, being overwhelmed. Of course we can take joy in the small things because we know that even seemingly bad things work out for God's glory, and for our ultimate good. But really believing that God is good, and taking pure joy in seeing him at work in our lives, that requires expelling this endemic and en vogue cynicism that pervades our culture.

The Old Testament is full of bad beginnings that God turns into good. Even the original betrayal in the Garden of Eden, God turned into an opportunity to express his vast love for us by providing salvation - first through sacrifices and then, ultimately, through his Son. David and Bathsheba were a bad beginning that produced King Solomon. Ruth was a Moabitess who manipulated a kinsman into marrying her, and she is King David's great, great grandmother. Even that the Moabites had a play in God's plan for salvation, is evidence of His Grace - they were the offspring of Lot (Abraham's cousin who's wife turned to salt as they fled Sodom and Gomora) and his youngest daughter, who got him drunk and got pregnant out of fear that she would not be able to carry on the family line otherwise. It's amazing how time and time again God transforms bad situations into beautiful blessings. We must take joy in even these seemingly bad things, trusting that God is sovereign and eternally gracious, as he has proven to be over centuries of interaction with humans.

The mark of a true Christian in these times, is joy. My prayer this week is that God would fill me with joy, and protect me from becoming cynical and bitter. In the short term, I hope that I will be able to rejoice at my own wedding, relishing in the blessing that God has/will provide through my marriage. I plan to wear joy out!

I Win or No One Does (Week of 10/14/2010)

I know that I have an overdeveloped sensitivity to injustice. I enjoy being right. No, I LOVE being right. Correcting people, or sharing information with people, is something I relish. my family jokes that when I correct someone, I can't understand why they don't thank me for telling them that they're wrong. And this is pretty accurate. My desire for things to be right extends beyond myself though. I like rules, I like it when people follow rules and do what they're supposed to do. It follows, that I really don't like it when people don't do what I think is right. Maybe I'm just bossy, but either way, I can become quite self-righteous. Arrogance and rudeness, are really a symptom of something else. For me, they're rooted in this need to be right.

In a conversation with an old family friend this week, I was reminded that it is ALWAYS better to be kind than to be right. That's a tough maxim to live by. And I'm not entirely convinced it's an absolute.

Being rude is quite the opposite of being kind. But it's so tempting when someone refuses to recognize when I am in the right to make a snide comment to make them see my perspective. My problem with kindness is that I associate it with weakness in these instances. I don't want to back down, I want to win every argument.


So my dilemma that I end up with this week is whether I have to love everybody or whether it's acceptable to me to continue being rude to the people I don't love? Sounds rather ridiculous after writing it, but it's a real problem. There are people I just can't stand being around. Any way I can reduce the amount of time they are around me, the better. Some people just don't get the hint to leave me alone unless I'm rude to them. So do I have to love these people?


Then there are those people that I know I have to love, but I can't resist the rudeness because they just push my buttons. For example are certain future relative just doesn't seem to understand that I am a responsible adult with good judgment, good taste, and a good heart. Everything I do is "wrong," and everything I'm going to do probably requires her input and "guidance." How do I set appropriate boundaries with her without being rude, but still standing up for myself. I can imagine that there will be times when being unkind seems the only means to make a point. This is definitely something I need to trust God for wisdom and grace.

If I boast, let me boast in Christ (Week of 10/4/2010)

I've been finding opportunities to tell other people about the wonderful things that God does in my life more often since beginning to pray about boastfulness. The passage reads, "Love does not boast," but Paul writes in several epistles about boasting in Christ. I hope that rather than focusing on my own accomplishments, I can focus on the good things that God provides to me, and recognize his sovereignty over my life. The more I appreciate what God does for me, and the less I attempt to glorify my own meager accomplishments, the more space God has to work in my life. 

If I really want to love people, I have to make more space for them. I can't effectively do that if I'm always blabbing about what I'm doing for myself. 

I think what really struck me was how to boast in Christ with people who may not know or understand this relationship with God. It's freeing and encouraging to other Christians, I believe, to share what God is doing for/through me, but I fear it sounds self righteous and even ridiculous to who don't have a similar relationship. So is it appropriate to use language that may be more generally understood, or is that hiding behind secular jargon for spiritual realities? 

What I pray for this week, is that I pronounce God clearly and freely to people with whom I interact. I pray that it I am able to love people by making more space for God in my language.

Ressentiment (Week of 9/24/2010)

This week, the focus is on envy/jealousy. Envy can be defined as a resentful desire for an advantage that belongs to someone else. Whereas jealousy is often used to describe hostility toward unfaithfulness, or suspicion of a rival's advantage, envy goes further to desire an advantage and resent those who possess it. While jealousy can't be all bad, since it is used to describe God's character, envy may very well be the paramount evil of our time. What makes envy so powerful and so destructive is it's inherent relationship to resentment.

Nietzsche began using the French word "Ressentiment" in Genealogy of Morals, to describe the weakness or inferiority experienced by the lower classes and how they perceived that the reason for their poor conditions to be the fault of the aristocracy. In Nietzsche's philosophy, the appropriate response is for the aristocracy to put down the lower classes and allow exceptional men to flourish, free from the guilt of how this affected those inferior people. Nietzsche uses the example of lambs being picked off by birds of prey. The lambs resent the birds, because the birds are the source of their misery. The birds on the other hand, do not harbor any bad feelings against the lambs, and, in fact, love the lambs because they taste so delicious. When this is applied to an understanding of morality, it justifies any number of wrongs that the powerful birds of prey may inflict on the lambs.

When we look at the bigger picture of social history, in the ancient world, tribes saw themselves as superior to other groups of people. In war, they would attempt to humiliate the conquered peoples in any way possible. We still see this among warring groups today - the attempt to dehumanize the enemy through torture, slavery, and imprisonment is still pervasive. In the ancient world, the conquered peoples had no recourse for these offenses and the powerful captor is justified like the bird of prey.

In Western society, the opposite outcome has become prevalent; the victim is glorified, and the powerful forces on top are perceived as the source of suffering. While the people on the bottom should ALWAYS be protected from abuse, we've taken to the other extreme, where we seek out reasons to feel offended and excuses to blame someone else for our misery and suffering. Resentment, this hostile desire for some advantage, is thus glorified, rather than ignored.

Understanding the concept of Ressentiment has more to do with love than hostility though. What Nietzsche misunderstood about Christianity is Love. He perceived the weaker sects of society as sapping the strength of the powerful ruling peoples, demanding to be cared for. His response was that society should return to the ancient pattern of conquerer crushing the conquered - strong ruling the weak. What Max Scheler argued is that Love is actually the strong bending to help the weak. This is a result of our understanding of God's nature and his love for us. The opportunity for the powerful to help the weak is an opportunity to express Love.

In marriage, resentment is a plague of destruction. It's not simply jealousy; it's wanting for the other person to make you their idol. It's becoming the bird of prey and making the other person your lamb for the picking. On the other hand, Ressentiment also requiring the other person to surrender their strengths in order to make you feel better about your own weaknesses. It's not creating an egalitarian community between partners, it's creating bitterness through this hostile desire for something that the other person has.

I think we all have had relationships with people, whether friends, family members or partners, in which we begin to dread their company because all they do is try to make us feel sorry for them. Or they try to inflict guilt on us because of something we have that they don't have. On the same note, we have all probably exercised our own resentment toward someone by highlighting our weaknesses and acting as though they "owe" us something to make up for it. I know I'm guilty of this. We might recognize it better as common manipulation. The outcome is destroyed relationships.

This week I'm praying for God's grace in protecting me from Ressentiment. I can't think of a quality I want to avoid more than this. I want be able to love people and be loved, without guilt, without manipulation, without the fear that they may discover and capitalize on a weakness, or that I may take advantage of their strength. In  marriage, I don't want  envy and resentment to breed bitterness and isolate us from each other. I want to love Jim, and create an egalitarian community where we can enjoy each other's strengths, and help each other in weakness. 

Patience is a Virtue (Week of 9/19/2010)

This week my assignment is to pray for the grace of Patience. With this, we're going to begin praying through 1 Corinthians 13. If you're familiar with this chapter on Love, you can understand where this is going. Note, the fourth verse, the beginning of the description of Love:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."


Personally, I've spent some time with this passage previously. As any good Christian Home-school kid does, I even memorized this Chapter. It's nice to go back to it after a few years and read it again. I really enjoy the first three verses: 


"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." 


This is so central to what I believe Christianity is really about. People so often get hung up on doing Christian things, attending church, joining Bible studies, volunteering, praying for others, giving money to charity, but at the heart of all those actions, there must be Love. Without love, all those things are meaningless. No matter how extreme your actions may be, without Love, they lead to nothing. 


When our pastor asked me what I thought we should pray for this week, I commented that sometimes (usually) I am sarcastic with Jim and it becomes unkind. It's for the sake of being funny, but I think it just comes out mean-spirited. So instead of just praying about being sarcastic, we decided to start praying about Love. I'm excited to see where this takes us.

In marriage, I think so many people have a romantic idea of always being "in-love" with someone. When they no longer feel it, it's just as easy to split up. But actually loving someone is quite different. It's about being patient, being kind, being content, being humble toward/with someone. Making a commitment to love someone is much deeper than we first think, and it's not to be taken lightly.

It's interesting, when our relationship first started to get serious, I was having doubts about our ability to love each other. I remember praying, even then, that God would give Jim an opportunity to read and learn 1 Corinthians 13. I wanted us to have a shared understanding of what Love is. So there's an answered prayer already.

*****

Update from last week: Praying for Chastity was very effective, and reading about Faith was even more effective. One interesting note about this experiment is that after I've prayed about something for a week, I'm supposed to drop it, move on, and trust that God heard my prayer and have faith that he is in control of it. So this week, I'm moving past praying about Chastity and just keep practicing it. I think that prayer has been answered already - it's getting easier everyday.

Chastity and Faith (Week of 9/12/2010)

This week, Jim and I began our pre-marital counseling. Rather than the typical format, we've opted to participate in a Prayer experiment with a local pastor. Based on the study and resulting book "Prayer Can Change Your Life," by William Parker & Elaine St. Johns, the way our Prayer Therapy works is that each week, we have an individual telephone conference with our pastor and receive a specific topic to pray for, and a specific Bible reading/study. As the post title suggests, this week, my assignment is to pray for chastity ("the grace to remain chaste until our wedding night) and my Bible assignment is to find and memorize New Testament verses related to faith. The final part of the experiment is to record or journal about the process. We note what we pray for each week, enabling us to return to the original note once we begin to see specific prayers answered. This is where this blog comes in. While I feel a bit vulnerable recording this process in such a public forum, I'm hopeful that someone else will benefit from reading about the work God is going to do in my life through this.

I've been praying fairly earnestly about chastity for the last few days. Honestly it only seems to make sex MORE appealing and chastity LESS likely. Which I guess is the normal response when you're told you shouldn't or can't do something. The entire Fad Diet industry is based on this response. For me, I think the real challenge lies in us being appropriately affectionate with each other while trying not to make chastity even more difficult. This must be where the Faith part is important.

At first Chastity and Faith seemed rather unrelated. Just a couple days into the experiment, it's clear why they're paired this week. I know Jim loves me. I know he's attracted to me. But not being able to express it physically forces me to have Faith in him and in our relationship. Also, I have to have Faith in this process, that God really IS going to work through prayer, and change our relationship for the better. I have to trust the process, and trust that God does want an abundant life for us together.

I was tasked to memorize 3 or 4 verses on Faith this week. So far, I've selected one; Mark 11:22 - 24, which reads: "Have faith in God,"Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."


I'll keep searching and will update throughout the week.